Selling Myself - Perpetual Melody

This is a true story, though not uncommon, of a close friend of mine. Unfortunately I was a witness to all that happened, and yet had no say in it. Have tried to put things down from her perspective, as clearly as possible.

The first time in my life I saw my father so helpless. Helplessness because he was the father of two more girls of a marriageable age, and one son who was still in his teens. That morning witnessed the marriage baithak -- my marriage, his eldest daughter. This is a meeting where the groom’s and the bride’s families come together to discuss the way in which the marriage will be held, after the boy and girl have liked each other.

The discussion started on a cool note, but soon turned into a battleground. The groom’s family started making insanely extravagant demands – engagement in the finest clubs of the city, marriage in the best halls, food of utmost variety, reception at the most posh of places... and all this had to be arranged by my father!

Dad kept pleading them to cut down the expenditure and settle down on less extravagant things. But the groom’s family won’t budge. But looking at my father’s inability to sponsor all of it, they finally gave a green signal to the wedding. So the marriage was fixed.

But the real drama was to start now! Even after the marriage was fixed and after the news was broken out to everybody, the groom’s family again created an issue of what had happened. They equated not paying heed to their demands to being disrespectful towards them. Just because we couldn’t afford it! So what if we couldn’t afford it? And not that we are very poor. We are very well to do upper middle class family. We’ve never had any scarcity of any thing we’ve ever needed. But we weren’t amongst the stinking rich lot who could fulfill all their demands.

And for the first time I felt sorry for my father, I felt sorry for myself, sorry for being a girl, when I saw him so helpless. He invested his life’s savings in giving us good formal education, and helped us become financially independent before thinking of getting us married off. And despite all this, the groom’s family asks for dowry? And especially when I am earning too? Its so much like going to a vegetable market where the groom struts his stuff – his qualifications, his salary, his assets – and the bride’s family is supposed to purchase him, and what a unique transaction at that – pay for the purchase as well as give off your daughter?! Ridiculous! The boy’s uncle said that his nephew was so well qualified, earned so well, so we must give so much money. When my uncle defended saying our daughter was well educated, cultured and earning too, it became an ego hassle with them. They said that we didn’t value their son, and were only blowing our own trumpet! Somebody please show them the mirror and tell them who was blowing the trumpet!

The one thing they forgot was that relationships never happen by hard sell. You simply like a person or you don’t. You can’t bargain in these matters - Pay us this amount, do things according to our wishes, or we wont go ahead with this marriage. If you ever want your daughter to get married, pay us, beg borrow steal, but arrange for the money – People, it doesn’t work that way any longer! Doesn’t it tug at their hearts to see an elderly man pleading in front of them telling them he cannot afford too many expenses? And just because he can’t do so, he is looked down upon, or pressurized to give in! It hurts their egos! Of what use are these fragile egos that break at the drop of a hat? Which shatter at somebody’s helplessness? Which do not even consider the bride’s father a human being? Which turn a blind eye to a person’s self-respect?

I was heartbroken when I saw this incident happening in front of my eyes – in this day and age. I couldn’t believe this was the same person I thought was the man for me! The same person who pretended to be very broad minded, but couldn’t raise his voice or object when my father was insulted? Forget protesting, but defended his family’s side? I always wanted my husband to be a son to my parents. And if he didn’t have the spine to confront injustice, does he even deserve to be my husband?

It hurts! When you have really liked somebody, and have taken the decision to get married, you start looking at the person from a specific angle, in a certain way, as a life-partner... just a few rituals away. My problem was that in just a couple of meetings I grew a bit too attached to him. And when the families are involved, attachment is even faster! And I was already sharing every single moment of my life with him. Not that he wasn’t! I was so happy that finally I found someone who understands me and gives me enough space and respects me as a person. He had told me he wanted to watch ‘Roman Holiday’. The very same day I had burnt a CD for him, to surprise him. It still lies with me...

It’s painful when all your illusions shatter like this. I was at a stage when I was so carefully and lovingly building up the foundations of a new life with him... and I was convinced that he was the guy for me... But what happened? ...I never did want a guy who would ask for a dowry! I will never be able to respect him. How can I ever love him? If he is capable enough, he wont demand... doesn’t he have enough ability to earn it all by himself? Or even the maturity that marriage is not just the girl’s need? Why should the girl’s parents suffer? Whether they have money or not is another question, but why should they bear the entire burden? Its precisely such practices that make parents dread having a female child!

And then they say its not dowry. They sugarcoat it with words like kanyadaan (parents give this money at the time of wedding their daughters), vardakshina (something to be given to the groom), streedhan (Gold that the girl’s mother gives to her daughter). These people kept chewing on the word streedhan. Don’t give us money, but give us Gold, in the form of streedhan because ultimately its me who would be wearing it. So ideally then, it should be the girl’s problem. And the groom’s side should in no way interfere with it. And I was shocked when the boy’s sisters said that every mother has to give it to her daughter, even our mother did! And to state facts, this same sister had eloped with her lover (her husband now) to marry him. This coming from her was so unexpected, but we thought it was wise then to keep quiet. Her own husband was making extreme demands... I was shocked! A person of such repute and so much qualification; and such a poor attitude? Ultimately just goes to prove that mere education doesn’t inculcate values and ethics. They are inbuilt, and are an integral part of a person’s character. It does not wipe out the tendency to take! While giving, they hold back their hands, but the same hands open in full capacity to grab whatever comes their way?! Bloody hypocrites!

And then these guys want beautiful, well-cultured, bold, educated, qualified, working girls. And then again they stoop down to such levels that it’s impossible for any self-respecting girl to even think of marrying into such families! Marriage is a union of two families, where respect is mutual. You can’t demean a girl so much and still expect her to be happy about the prospective husband. It’s very important that both families accept the alliance happily because you have to eventually lead your life with them, tying people together. You possibly cannot do so when there’s a total conflict in basic values of life!

And then, an example of how things get blown out of proportion – the boy has been brainwashed into believing that we will ill-treat him post marriage! Which parents do that to their daughter’s husband? He has sisters. He should know that better.

My rage flowed through my tears. I simply couldn’t stop them. They embodied the humiliation my family was put through. But I still talked to him. I let his family take a back seat for the moment. I wanted to know what he thought about the whole thing, because that was what mattered to me the most. And to my surprise he said we should have handled the matter tactfully (read given in to their demands, knelt down and begged) and that we should have respected them, treated them well! And all this despite him coming from a middle class family. When my father, tortured by their pressure and greed, said that if they wouldn’t budge from their demands, he was not interested in taking things ahead and that our relations would still remain friendly, all of them, including my dream-man got angry! What was the father supposed to do? Sell himself off somewhere? They thought we weren’t interested in the proposal itself! Isn’t this the proof of lack of common sense? It’s beyond the man’s reach to pluck the stars for this groom, who wasn’t any royalty anyways! It’s obvious that no father would create a scene of his daughter and mess with her life like this! Unless he was really interested in the proposal, would he really do it all just for the heck of it? To derive some kind of sadistic pleasure by playing with her life?

But ultimately he was convinced about what I had to say. Though I had second thoughts about it later on – why do I even need to convince him? Wasn’t it implied that we both were on the same page, and shared the same values? Why did he say what he did earlier? Well, but he ultimately said he will talk to his family but wasn’t sure if he could go against their wishes (read confront their ego and greed and prejudices). Ok, I didn’t want him to go against their wishes. I wanted his family to accept me happily. But it was testing time for him... and for me as well, to evaluate my own choice and judgment... and he failed... I failed.

Though he is quite modern in his views, or so I thought, and he agreed (apparently) with whatever I had to say about this dowry thing, he hasn’t been able to convince his family, and has succumbed to pressure. Though I had liked his nature, and still have no ill feelings for him, a person who cannot take a stand in his matters is not worth it, how can I expect him to take his own decisions, and stand by me throughout life? I had pinned down all my hopes on him, and wanted him to use his mind and his sensibilities and decide if he wanted to go ahead with the marriage. Had he really liked me, he would have succeeded. He didn’t.

But on second thoughts, I think I do understand how difficult it must have been for the boy to go against his family, for a girl he has just met, and not madly in love with her. But he liked me enough to marry me, I think. He was sandwiched between his own desires and his obligation towards his family. I don’t think anybody asked him what he thought, or valued his wishes. I only feel sorry for him. I still have a soft corner for him, because I am still sure that he is a genuinely good person, who gave in to pressure. I only pray that henceforth he follows his heart and makes his decisions well, using his own discretion, after consulting his heart.It never misleads anybody. If your instincts strongly lead you to somebody, follow them, else you wont be happy. I only wish well for him and the best for his future, and hope he finds the right girl.

So all said and done, I’m glad that it ended, at the initial stage itself. In the whole process I lost respect for his family, and any attachment whatsoever was washed away with my tears, my parents’ tears. It’s been very tough for me, and even more difficult for my family, but there’s no point getting married in such a narrow-minded family... the same family is now badmouthing my family that we ill-treated them! This action doesn’t even deserve a comment! And it’s good that we got to know it earlier. It would have been difficult to call it off post engagement. And again, we would have lived under constant threat of them calling off the wedding right until the last day and blackmailing us to give in to their wishes! Why bear so much insecurity? And another brighter side – my brother has resolved to marry entirely with his expenses, whenever he does that is!

I’m going to put the event behind me and move on with my life thinking it was some nightmare. And I know it’s been a bad experience for him too. I just hope he gets over it soon. It’s painful and difficult, but I have to, and I will. There’s a strange correctness about all that happened.

All this leaves me with a few doubts that question humanity, and the way people treat each other. The problem is that we never think such things could happen to us, and that’s precisely why they do!

It’s sad that girls still give in to such demands and pressures of the society and see nothing wrong with these practices. Education and pay cheques do not make any difference to the prevalent practices of ‘dowry’. Unless women raise their voice against this inhumanely attitude towards their own blood, these practices are not going to stop. Unfortunately, the rebellion does not happen on that scale even now, but yes, its happening these days, and boys need to know that girls are not commodities, they are not simply objects of desire to exploit them the way they feel like. They have a heart too. They have feelings and self-respect too. They love their kin too. No Tom Dick and Harry has the right to put us down – get that very straight!

Please be understanding, and leave us alone if you cannot!