Pre-marital sex? - Perpetual Melody

Yesterday we had assembled at a friend’s place and we ended up discussing an issue that took a sensitive turn later.

The point of dispute was: “Would you be fine with the fact that the girl/boy you would marry (arranged marriage) has already lost her/his virginity? How important is the matter to you? Will you accept it? If yes, why? If not, why not?”

To quite a few of us it didn’t matter at all, while a few just couldn’t digest the very thought! Needless to say that majority who weren’t comfortable accepting were men.

The few noteworthy responses that came forth from guys were:

·          “How can you girls be so casual about sex? You talk as if you’ve grown old, independent enough, and ‘besharam’ to an extent where you all don’t feel its wrong to satisfy your sexual urges out of wedlock! I don’t accept it! It’s so creepy! The world is moving fast, sure, but it can’t be that fast that there is no sense of guilt about what you do!”
·
“I have preserved myself for that special moment, and expect my partner to have done the same.”

·          “I would definitely ask the girl about any ‘history’ before I marry her. There are ways to put forth that question subtly. But there is no way to know whether or not she is saying the truth, if she answers that she hasn't done it. You'll have to give the go-ahead to the marriage by simply trusting her.”

·          “Personally, at the risk of sounding too orthodox, I am not fine with the idea that the girl I am about to marry has done it out of wedlock. In fact, I actually imagined such a situation, and I am afraid I wasn't too comfortable. I would definitely chicken out and not have the balls to do it before marriage either (no pun intendeds).”

·          “I am not ready to believe any Indian upper middle-class guy (forget those big-shots and page 3 socialites) who says that he is perfectly okay with a marrying a girl who has had a physical relationship outside marriage. Even though most guys would jump at the idea of doing it where there are no commitments, at the same time they expect ‘untouched’ girls! I know we are all today's youth, the x-generation, blah blah. But boys, imagine such a situation is actually happening in your lives. Would you actually be able to accept it? I know I won't.”

·          “We do fantasize about doing such things, but we don’t actually do it! There’s a difference between working it out in your mind and doing it in real!”

·          “Cuddling and kissing and all is fine. But no intercourse, please!”
Ok… so now they are even going to draw laxman-rekhas (boundaries)? I guess how much area that laxman-rekha covers largely depends on how much he/she can digest.
·          “Being a girl, if you've ever done it, please don't tell your husband. You don't know how ugly male egos are". AND, the same guys expect honesty from their partners! How ironic!

Some replies were easier for me to empathize:

·          “Some how I won't be able to accept well at least till the time I have not indulged myself into something like this! Otherwise of course.... Jinke ghar shishe ke hote hai wo dusro ke gharo pe pathar nahi feka karte... :D ...in which case I would have accepted!”

·          “I think everyone needs to have enough control on oneself, and avoid it if one is not sure of the relationship. As far as accepting such a partner is concerned, I would like my partner to be honest enough and tell me the entire truth. Everyone should be given one fair chance for his/her mistake, and I will accept it with the same consideration.”

·          “Virginity is simply lack of opportunity! Why blow it out of proportion? If you haven't had the chance to do it, why console yourself by looking down upon those who have had it, and turning it into a moral issue? ”

Ok… now I really appreciate the honesty with which all of them have expressed their opinions. I know many who are only apparently ok with the idea, when in fact; it’s a plain lie!

Why other people do doesn’t bother me. They could do it out of curiosity, need, thrill, addiction, kick or genuine love - which again is individual outlook. It's strictly a personal choice. I’ve even seen cases where men and women are so disappointed with love and so disillusioned with the whole idea of matrimony that it doesn’t matter to them whom they are doing it with, as long as their needs are satisfied. Deep down, I also feel that this kind of an ‘illegal’ (or should I say unsanctioned?) heady indulgence also stems from the need of being accepted and loved – be it in any which way then! Every act of ours arises from some sort of a need. Why not this then? Why is it immoral?

Everybody has their reasons, of course, but personally I don't approve of girls and boys who go in for one night stands. I am NOT talking about playboys and playgirls. I disapprove such people only because I would be insecure in a relationship with them, and may never be able to trust them. Otherwise, I'm not against trying out options, testing compatibility (though not sexual. One can't jump into bed with a 100 guys/girls and later say he/she isn't hot enough!). I won't be comfortable with a guy who has dated a dozen girls for a month's span each, and then 'rejected' them ‘cause it didn't click! Or gotten into bed with just a couple of them to test sexual compatibility just the way we test mental/emotional compatibility! I won't accept that, its quite sluttish (though its more commonly used for women) I feel. But again, that is MY view, not necessarily everybody else's! The situation gets even trickier if you plan to go for an arranged match. You can't be sure of how the prospect will react after such revelations! So girls tend to lie, just as men do. Not because they want to be dishonest, but because they fear rejection!

I personally am not at all against having affairs or having pre-marital sex. I also don’t mind a live-in relationship with somebody (Society permitting of course. But I won’t get into that now). There’s no right and wrong about it and one should refrain from being judgmental. If I am genuinely in love with somebody, the absence/presence of a marital bond/ritual won’t stop me... and then there is this funda of virgins who won’t go all the way The fear factor at play here? Or the wish to preserve something for the special day? Whatever… I’ve often baffled myself trying to find reasons. Again, that’s a different issue altogether.

And yes, I still don't insist that my partner should be a virgin as long as he stays committed to me post marriage. What happened was in the past... if his relationship with some girl did not work out for some reasons, does he deserve to be punished for that? Of course not! And I am not simply talking about it! In fact, I don’t fool myself into believing that a guy could be a virgin till he is 30. Exceptions are rare, but it doesn’t matter. I only expect that he should leave all his emotional baggage behind before he comes to me... Mend your heart first and then think of making a new start. I am no healer. I won’t help you get over your past at the risk of my life. Otherwise, it’s no big deal! (But yes, safe sex is! But I’ll talk about it later)

As I perceive sex, to Indians, it’s quite sacrosanct. An intimate act that is to be done only with somebody whom you really love or are tied in a wedlock with. This belief might vary depending on how much you believe in marriage and love, and why you want to perform the act in the first place! But whatever it may be, it's very very difficult for men to accept that their spouse has been in a physical relationship with some other guy prior to him. It renders you ‘unclean’ and you are no more 'marriage material’!

I don’t understand what is wrong with it! Physical involvement is just an extension to emotional proximity, as I believe, or as ideally it should be. And it’s NO mistake! And I see nothing immoral in it! And God’s sake, stop justifying the act by using clichéd statements like ‘anjaane mey paav phisal gaya!’ It’s a conscious decision and if at all there is any guilt involved, stop right there! I’ve always dreaded mental dependency as most people, especially women look out for emotional attachment in relationships. Sharing and feeling is more important than mere intercourse. When physically involved, the sense of disillusionment and betrayal is far higher when the relationship breaks up.

The flaw with a typically conservative upbringing is that a woman is supposed to be the epitome of purity, divinity, etc etc... while men have always had the liberty to be promiscuous. I hate the inequality and the biased attitude here, but it’s important to know the reasons for that mentality. It's a contradiction in itself, because Indians, esp. Hindus have always celebrated sex!

As we evolved, the need to be monogamous, and breed healthy offspring took stronger roots. Men needed women to take care and bring up 'their' children, and they needed to be sure that the children they were working hard for were 'their own'. As men grew more and more dominating, the society accepted, and even fueled the male's need for carnal pleasures, whereas women remained deprived. Women who had multiple partners were called 'whores'. But men who went philandering were never objected. They were 'meant' to be that way! And the trend continues! Men want virgins regardless of their own standing. Could be a way to feed their egos?

If you ask me, indulge in sexual acts outside/before marriage only if you are able to bear the same act by your spouse! Otherwise it’s the case of ‘sau choohe khaake billi haj ko chali’. But I still see nothing wrong with pre-marital (safe) sex.

What's your take on this?